Friday, December 30, 2005 - aw nuts

aw nuts

i have been home now for almost 24 stir-crazy hours, because of an allergic reaction which caused my lips to swell in direct proportion to my vanity. its gross. it hurts as well, a picture of it is even gross

this hideousness is a direct effect from the fact that I am allergic to nuts. very very very allergic, which is why almost a day later i am still swelled up from only eating lettuce that touched a nut... had i eaten the actual nut the consequences would have been worse then a minor deformity. think shots of adrenaline and uma thurman in pulp fiction

i'm only allergic to tree nuts, not peanuts, (which are not actually nuts but legumes, which are beans) and i'm not allergic to coconut, which is a fruit, but i find it hideously disgusting.

i am, in fact, so deathly allergic, if i actually eat nuts, i die.

franz has already taken this into consideration and on his birthday tried to bribe a waiter to put nuts in my food to try and take me out of the running for the failed death pact between me, franz, hans, lil d and laurenn (we were to each put $1k into a secret account and the last person alive would get the jackpot) but rescinded when he realized i hadn't yet put my money into the account.

once, a chef client of mine served me this dish that was drizzled with the oil of some obscure nut from southeast asia, which is fed to goats, expressed, cleaned, and made in to oil. (wow, just yesterday i had to answer what the weirdest thing i've ever eaten was, and i totally forgot about eating what was basically goat shit oil...) i had one bite, started having a reaction, asked him what was in it, he tells me it was that nut oil. He actually seemed surprised when i freaked out, and casually said, "well, i didn't know you were allergic to *that* kind of nut..." (he was pretty famous, and therefore, a bit of a pompous ass) ironically enough i was dining with an editor who had been with me two years early when a similar "misunderstanding" had taken place. the editor later remarked i was "dangerous to know" which i thought was a gross overstatement, considering my dying would not put him into any danger.

when i traveled around campania, i had a really hard time, for someone reason the consequences of an allergy didn't translate into italian, and restaurants did not take me seriously. (weirdest non-translation, pine nuts, the essential ingredient to pesto, translates into pignoli, dropping the "nut" from the word, rendering it dangerous for someone trying very hard to avoid it) after a close call on the second night, where a waiter swore up and down that there were no nuts in my meal, but another person at my table bit into the main dish first to find it swimming with walnuts (i was too busy drinking, which saved my life), the aforementioned person decided they were going to be my official taster for the remained of the 10 days in Italy. no food was to pass my lips until he had tried it first and declared it safe. i trusted him because he was a chef, and well, i had no other choice. it was not until i returned home and was recounting my luck at his generosity that i found out he was not just *a* chef, he was *the* chef, basically the final word in Italian cuisine on the east coast. let it be said that all famous chefs are not pompous asses, with roberto, i was able to relax and actually enjoy the food knowing i got the thumbs up that it was ok.

one final note on the nut allergy: i have heard all the jokes equating male genitalia and crazy people to nuts, i've been on the planet a few decades, they are no longer original, just do yourself a favor, stop before you embarrass yourself.

although those fake cans of nuts which really have spring loaded fabric snakes in them are still pretty funny